it's always something....

"if it's not one thing...it's another, but it's always something". I'm always stressed or worried about something. My stomach is in knots, I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and I can't get it out of my head.

A week and a half ago my fellow desert co-worker (Blake) called me bright and early to warn me that he was sure he was being let go. He continued by warning me that his termination would most likely affect my employment status. It was a kick in the gut. Although I had been pretty unhappy with my employment for a number of reason and had been actively talking to a competitor for what I hope is a better fit for me...it never occurred to me that Physician's Trust would beat me to the punch and let me go before I let them go. I spent the next 4 days trying to read behind the lines of ever eMail and conversation between each of my California co-workers and supervisors. At times I was sure Blake was right...at other times I was sure he was wrong. Even when I got an eMail that I was to meet one of my bosses at Starbucks Fri, Feb 29th to talk about "their future plans for Arizona"...I was still puzzled. Needless to say I didn't sleep on Thursday night. I woke up Friday morning and I did the only thing I could do to calm my nerves. I knelt down and prayed for comfort.

I knew it was going to be a long day waiting for my 3:00pm meeting to come around. I couldn't calm down...I spent the better part of the day analyzing the events of the past couple weeks, trying to figure out what the outcome of this meeting was going to be before I got there. 3:00 finally came, I walked in to Starbucks and sat down in front of my boss and HR. HR...what the heck?! At that moment I knew it (but why the heck did they have to spend all that money to fly 2 people out for the day to let me go?) This is when my prayers were answered...I was completely calm, the conversation was pleasant and oddly enough it was a very friendly parting of the ways.

Of course I panicked the next few days as I worried about my future and the reality that I needed to look for a job now, not just think about it. It was just 4 days later that I got a formal offer from the competitor that I'd been talking to. So in actuality getting laid off was a blessing in disguise. Because it was not my performance, but a company decision to pull out of Az...they gave me a bonus and are paying my benefits for another month. If I had quit on them, I wouldn't have gotten any of that.

So...I basically get a 2 week vacation and it just so happens to be Spring Break around here. So...with the help of Greg, we've finally decided on paint colors and we're going get as much painting done around here as we can while I have the help.

But it's always something...
A few weeks ago Rachel asked the ward choir director if she could sing a solo in church (who does that?). Tara found her some music, but told her that she'd have to find some one to accompany her because the usual accompanist would be out of town. So...just because it's been a silent goal of mine to get back on the piano, I started practicing the music. I told Rachel I'd practice for a week and let her know if I thought I could do it....a week went by and I neglected to tell her that although I was learning the song...there was NO WAY I could play it in public. My mind was not on music, my mind was on being employed...I let the week go by and didn't say anything. With March 9th quickly approaching it was too late to ask someone else to play. So...needless to say...I wake up in another panic this morning because I'm a nervous wreck to play this piece in public. I just know I'm going to get up there and go blank!

At least I'm employed....